September 4, 2006

Jimmy,

There is so much to tell that I just don’t know where to start. So, I’ll start at the beginning. Of course, the beginning is that Polly Sue sold her Rub-a-dub-dub, Rub-down Downtown Drive-in Palace of the Massage and Chicken Delite to the Home Depot folks for a fortune. Then she opened the tropical fish and sushi bar. Then she bought up all those old storefronts on Main Street, fixed them up on the inside and says she wants to rent them out to "small business people."

I know what she means, but the devil in me made me ask her how tall they had to be to rent one. Ha, Ha! Ain’t I a card! All seriousness aside, that gal has it going on in the money department. She has double-tithed to the church and is sponsoring a Little League Baseball Team with the latest expansion of her business empire.

You know, Polly Sue has always been business smart. Like in the massage and chicken business; you got multi-serviced. Well, she and Toulene Wadkin’s oldest boy, "Sparkplug," are partnering on another service combo. As his name would suggest, Sparkplug is a certified auto technician. So, he and Polly Sue have opened up Polly Sue’s One-Stop Body Shop ‘Til You Drop and Day Spa.

It’s a one-stop source for your car, truck, and personal beautification needs. You’ll see that it’s theme-oriented. They feature rubbing compounds and exfoliating facial scrubs, motor oils and scented oils, paste wax and bikini wax. You can relax in the steam room while they steam clean your engine. Try a soak in beauty mud while you have new mud flaps installed on your four-wheeler. And don’t forget to check out the specials on aisle seven; buy one Fram oil filter and get a free loofah sponge.

I think Reverend Norman is a little miffed at Polly Sue. Polly Sue and the Rev had gotten pretty tight after she rented out her upstairs at the fish store to him and now she’s spending all her time with Sparkplug. But you can’t keep a good man down, Jimmy, and Norm is the best.

So, I hear that he is conducting a Spiritual Rededication and Bingo Cruise. Because of the bingo, it has to be off-shore, so he does it at White Lake. This is where it gets a little crazy.

After reading an Andrew Collins book, the Rev is convinced that the lost civilization of Croatanis is submerged under White Lake, and is connected by a system of underground tunnels to a Masonite Temple under Elizabethtown. It is also connected to secret ESP research being done at South of the Border, masterminded by Klauss Von Hindenschlotz, known to the unsuspecting world as Mrs. James Melvin. Her enigmatic consort, "James," is really the fabled mermaid Salome a la Moutard, whose unremarkable-looking golf cart converts into a miniature submarine capable of running on a mixture of oil, vinegar, and herbs, but never, ever mayonnaise.

Well, Jimmy, I’d better get going and fix something to eat before that Golucky crowd gets here. I invited Pappy, Happy and all their young’uns over for supper and I haven’t cooked the first tater yet. I hope they don’t bring that crying baby of Lily’s over here. You remember that Pappy and Happy named all their children after flowers. I guess it’s just lucky that all five turned out to be girls.

Lily’s baby just can’t be comforted. I reckon I could tell her what always worked with you; that baby needs a sugar-tit. Here’s what you do. Get a clean rag. Make a fist and spread the rag over the thumb end and pooch it down into your hand a little bit. Fill that little bag with some sugar and tie it with a clean string. Dip it in some milk and slap it in the baby’s mouth. (I don’t really mean slap it, but you know what I mean.) Now, if the baby is colicky, you can just dip it in a little paregoric and off to sleep they go!

So, Jimmy, remember who you are, holler at all my other boys, and remind them that tomorrow is the second day of the rest of your life. Ha, Ha again! I need to go find that paregoric that your daddy (Precious Memories, how they linger) used to keep around.

Love, Mama