December 1, 2004

Dear Jimmy,

I’m so tickled that you boys got to come home for Thanksgiving! It was a sight for psoriasis (I never could figure out what that meant) to see you all. And you all haven’t changed one iota. Mark’s feet are still just the same size they used to be. Thom’s hair is still longer than mine, but his voice is even prettier that it used to be, if that can be. And Darrell still talks a little bit like a Y_ _ _ _ _, bless his heart, except when he cusses and sings that pretty third part. And then there’s you, my baby boy.

To think I used to chase you and that banjo out of the house. I was just trying to get a little peace away from that one string that goes pinga, pinga, pinga all the time. You know, I was thinking that if your daddy was still alive, he’d be here today. Oh well, there ain’t no future in the past.

Speaking of your daddy, I was going through some of his old clothes the other day to put on the Swap and Shop and I came across some little flat black and red plastic checkers in one of his old suit coat pockets. And there was a cute little stick with a parasol on it, too. I bet he brought them back for the younguns from one of them deacon retreats.

So I called up Pappy Golucky on the Swap ‘n’ Shop and he said, “Swap ‘n’ Shop” like he always does and I said, “I want to put on some men’s clothes” and nobody said anything for a long time; but I heard that leaking sound like somebody was trying hard not to laugh, but was about to bust. Then Pappy said “How much you asking for them” and I said “a dollar a pound” and he said “We’ll try to get shed of them for you. Thank you, ma’m”. He’s so nice.

Anyway, after I went through his clothes, I started sorting out some of my old stuff to give to the Salvation Army and I had to admit I’ve put on a little through the years. So I mentioned this to the punch doctor, Millard Atkins (editor’s note: a ‘punch doctor’ is a chiropractor) and he said he would be glad to put me on his lap.

Well sir, I told him he ought to be ashamed. I reminded him that I was a Christian widow woman and old enough to be his mama. He laughed, apologized and said that the LAP was a Lifestyle Adjustment Program for losing weight. So, he explained it and it sounded pretty good and that’s how I came to be on the Atkins’ Diet. You know, he must have a lot of patients. Just about everybody I know is on the Atkins’ Diet or knows about it.

What you do is not eat anything that’s white. So I’ve been toasting bread and frying Irish potatoes until they’re brown and I eat only chocolate cake. And things have changed so much over the years with this diet stuff. You don’t drink eight glasses of water anymore; you maintain adequate hydration with oral intake of a liter of water from a special bottle that he sells.

He also gave me some pills to melt away the fat, but I took them and got all excited and right swimmy-headed and scared all the animals when I went out to the barn. So, I threw them into the pigpen and that was a mistake. The next day all the hogs was dancing around on their hind legs like on that crazy “Hee Haw” TV show.

Well Jimmy, I messed up on this Daylight Savings Time deal. You remember, I was going to set the clocks in the chicken house back ten minutes a day to ease them into the time change, but that’s way too much. I got to figuring and that’s over an hour a week. I should have done a minute a month. They are all messed up now; sleeping all day and up all night!

Well, remember who you are. I’ve got to go drink a vanilla nutri-shake.

Love, Mama