May 16, 2005

Dear Jimmy,

I hope you and all them boys are doing fine. Your mama has been busier than a you-know-what in a you-know-where since the Super Wal-Mart came to town. And just in time, too! My income was getting a little too fixed for these new gas prices, so I went and got me a job -- your Mama is now an official Wal-Mart greeter. It may not sound like much to you, but it’s a very important position.

Not only do I give everybody "Howdy", but I’m also on the front lines for Homeland Security in the war on terrorism. All of us greeters have been trained in it and have certificates with the president’s signature on them. I know that your daddy, rest his heart, would be proud of me. He was in the WWII, you know. I still don’t understand what they did every week for forty years at those VFW meetings, but he was always happy and loving when he got home so late.

Now, you know I don't like to brag on myself, but you would be real proud of how good I'm getting at this greeting business. It's just like I've been doing it all my life. But, wouldn't you know, one of the managers fussed at me a time or two for "visiting" too much. I just looked right at him and said, "Well, excuse me for living!" That just flew all over me. But you know me, Jimmy, honey -- I don't want any trouble. I've always been that way.

And I declare, Jimmy, I have greeted just about every kind of person on this Earth over the last two weeks. I know things about folks that I shouldn’t, if you know what I mean. As your daddy might say, some of these young ladies (I’m being gracious here, Jimmy) don’t have on enough clothes to wad a shotgun. I had always wondered what a throng was, Lord, if some womaan didn't come right in there wearing one!

I just wish Reverend Norman had'a been there -- I know he would have given her a good counseling. He always has had a special place in his heart for those woman-at-the-well types. Yes, that man is a saint in this world.

But, oh, you won't believe what Cordovan told me last Saturday when he was getting his greeting. You know Cordovan -- that's Opal's boy, you know, rest her soul. Remember, they buried Opal out back under her scuppernong vines -- she wanted to keep an eye on them after she was gone. Well, Agnes, Cordovan's wife, was out mowing the back yard and, bless Patty, if Opal's headstone didn't fall over on that poor woman and crack two of her ribs! Cordovan, he was watching the race on TV and he heard the awfullest hollering. Don't you know he got her into the truck and rushed her right to the emergency room the very instant that race was over! He always was such a good boy.

Now, you can call it a accident, but I know for a fact Opal never did like Agnes. How can people hear a stories like that and still not believe in angels, Jimmy?

I need to tell Reverend Norman to put her on the prayer line, but I don’t see the him much anymore since he started working for Polly Sue. Oh, Jimmy, you don’t know about all that, do you? Remember me telling you how Polly Sue hit the jackpot when she sold them the land for the Wal-Mart? Well, she bought the old bait shop -- the one on the corner where the old fire department was before it burned down. Well, sir, she redid that thing and now it is Polly Sue’s Tropical Fish Emporium and Sushi Bar and is doing business hand over fish. HA! HA!

She lives above the business and has rented out a room to the reverend, who is doing a good business selling his "Genuine Certified Carp from the River Jordan." People are really buying them up, because of it’s Reverend Norman who is selling them and most people would trust him with their life. But I just don’t have any room left to put one more thing in this house. I don’t know, Jimmy. Maybe I didn’t need to keep every margarine container that ever came into the back door. ..and just how many rolls of aluminum foil does a body need? And that ashtray collection has gotten way out of hand.

That reminds me... I found some of your old things today -- some real pretty beads and feathers and little glass pipes and things. They were in a box with those sandals you used to wear back when you wore your hair so long. I thought the grandchildren might enjoy playing with them, so I mailed them to you. But I did throw out those old baseball cards -- I'm sure those people are too old to be playing ball, so those cards are way out of date. That one that married Marilyn Monroe -- what was his name? -- Jody MacSomething -- I heard he quit several years back.

But, oh, I do go on and on. And I’ve got lots more Wal-Mart tales for next time.

So, remember who you are and I love you, baby.

Mama